Life That Has Been Changed By Him

» 何为“离别”

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

~ 8:00 PM ~

突然间，我又因为“离别”这两个字而流泪。我真的很不明白为什么要等到生离死别的时候才哭哭啼啼，后悔这个后悔那个。在朋友的面子书上看到了一道非常有趣，却又很残忍的数学题。她是我在香港比赛时认识的。

妈妈27岁时生下我。 

19年前、 妈妈每天都能看到我。 

现在我19岁了、 已经半年沒有回家看妈妈。

而妈妈46岁了。  

如果妈妈可以活100岁、 那么妈妈还可以活54岁。 

如果我依然半年回家看她1次，  

我这一生、妈妈这一生、 

就只有108次机会见面了。  

这道数学题的答案、 我希望我是算错的。

生老病死乃是人生必经之道。而我们也无需为了已错过的一切，而感到悲哀，惆怅，懊悔…… 我也曾经离乡背井，到新加坡，到吉隆坡求学。这滋味儿，有时候是真的很好，没有拘束，没有双亲在那儿唠唠叨叨。但我们有没有尝试去往另一个角度去想想，拘束就是“关怀”，而唠叨就是“担心”的象征。父母对我们的爱是无比的伟大，而身为子女的我们往往就是感觉不到。

人生无常。

刚刚一个叔叔说了，“年龄已不再是本钱了。”这话千真万确，下一刻，下一秒，我们都不懂会发生什么事情。身边的好友，两年前就因为命运跟他开了个玩笑，一大美好的前途就这样变得一片模糊。现在，他就因为人间尚有的温情，而飞到遥远的中国接受治疗。老实说，前几天看见你，。我心情是多么多么的复杂。一个跟我自幼就认识的兄弟，我怎么能不担心这手术的结果。

只祈祷上帝的保佑。我正等着你答应我要拨的那一通电话。我真的很开心你终于知道自己想要拥有的未来。未来中医师，我已答应当你第一只白老鼠了，让你乱乱针灸。以前我一直叫你从医，你就是不肯。现在你竟然会改变主意。(: 老朋友，你新的生活才刚刚要开始。祝你早日康复 (:

2011已差不多来到了尾声，我已长大了一岁。上个星期的冬至，回到了祖母家，发现她老人家已苍老了许多，身体也没昔日那么的壮了。但不管怎么样，她还是一样会去准备汤圆，期待着子孙们回来团聚，哪怕只是几位，她老人家嘴上依然挂着那满足的微笑。吃着，吃着，心中突然感叹时光流逝得太快。转眼间，活泼可爱的 Ah Boy，很快就要升大学了。

当我慢慢长大，身边的父母却不知不觉的变老。这无法避免的现象，真的真的让我感到心酸。

今年圣诞，想要的礼物，我没有得到。不属于我的，上帝不会把它送到我面前吧。而我得到的是，一个依然温馨的家，再加上我的兄弟咏光千里迢迢从吉隆坡到访。短短的几天，我花了很多钱，有点儿内疚，也吃了很多，让我更加的内疚。>.< 与家人度过的美好时光，短暂，可贵……

人家常说我说话有激发力，说服力，成熟，稳重。整个人好像四五十岁的老Uncle似的。有吗？听起来，感觉好好笑。因为，我时不时都觉得我自己很幼稚，很贪玩。开心的是，我减肥的经验竟然激发了那位叔叔减肥的意愿。不是好不好看，而是健不健康的问题。(:

“离别”……多情自古伤离别。

Labels: complication

» The Waiting Ends

Monday, December 19, 2011

~ 8:18 PM ~

Like I say, the waiting finally comes to an end.

Woohoo, no more sleepless night...

No more anxious waiting of e-mail...

I can finally bid farewell to my dream to study there...

So near, yet so far... Maybe after all, I'm not good enough... (:

Labels: complication

» 侍奉

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

~ 5:01 AM ~

时间真的很快，身边的人都问我几时要update我的部落格，但是的确是有点忙。不只忙着将要来临的A2大考，还得忙其他琐琐碎碎的事情。“人生如戏”嘛，国文又时常告诉我，“戏如人生”，但我还是觉得第一个比较管用。敢问世上谁能预料人生下一秒，下一刻所会发生的事情。不好的我们都会尽量去避免；好的我们会去接受；但有些事情就是那么的让人无奈。Apple Inc. 的总裁，Steve Jobs 拥有了世人所想拥有的。但是就算他多么的富裕、闻名，他也逃脱不料死神的魔掌。

最近，为了自己的未来拼了一点，做了某些打算。但打算终究是打算，成功实行与否就得看神的旨意。我深知就算我多么想去拟造一个属于自己的未来，但在我把自己当成所有事物的中心点的时候，私心就来了。虽说这是常人之心，但就是因为这样这世界才会搞到一团糟。战争、贿赂、仇恨等，每一天都不停地在侵蚀着这美好的世界。

一颗常常都会提别人着想的心，是会不停地在想要提别人服务，服侍的。说到这点，我知道嘴巴说说时到容易，实践起来是多么的辛苦。每一个人天生都是想要服侍的，哪一个婴孩不是哭着，喊着向父母提出要求的？哪个小孩不是发脾气，大喊大闹要这个，要那个的？但随着年纪的增加，我们一定会慢慢的长大。这是难免的，也是生命中其中一个过程。同时，我们也可以随着身边事物的改变从中学习，同样的，慢慢地成熟。这个反而不是必经之路，这是人生中其中几个最重要的抉择。当然，这就是人人常叫的 The Road Not Taken，因为他们都知道这路一点都不容易走。

我记得上一次基督团契的时候，有这替别人洗脚的仪式。这当然不难，因为这只是一种仪式，而不是一种生活的习惯。我们很多时候“你和我”都要分得清清楚楚。我事的我就管；你事的管我屁事。我的房间我打扫，但我的工作就只限我的房间。这就是世人的想法，做法；在情在理都没有不对。但如果 I , me 和 myself 可以独自生存，那么 we 这字拿来干嘛？人人为我，我为人人。我们往往就知道人人为我们，从不会从另一个角度去想。

就是因为我的自私，高傲，我失去了生活许许多多的朋友。有时候就连曾经想要与我交朋友的人，就是因为我的态度而感到反感。我已很努力的去改变，去学习......但这过程是需要一段时间的，还有毅力与恒心。只要我们不放弃，就算我们不成功，我们也不算是失败。记得，

“吃亏是福”

最后，我想在此祝我的室友，生日快乐 (:

Labels: complication, philosophy

» 平衡点

Saturday, September 10, 2011

~ 8:52 PM ~

何为平衡点？

很多时候，我们都摸不清楚所谓的平衡点。多踏一步，说不定就已经超越了早已设下的平衡点。最近，身边的同学们都埋头苦读，一天到晚都不停地在啃书。自己看到了，心里面不时都会有着以前都不会有的“压力”。可能这次 A2 考试准备功夫还下得不够多。时常都会害怕，担忧，焦急......还有那仅仅的 48 天，老师还未赶完所有的课程。无助......

我的生活不是 100％都是在读书，身边还有许许多多的事情值得去关心，去花一点心思的。我不想当个书呆子，除了啃书，其他事情都不会了。但把时间花在与课业无关的事时，是否有去想过，功课到底会不会受到影响。我们到底应该如何把时间，把精力分配得妥当呢？这平衡点是很难去摸清楚的.......

同样的，人际关系方面，我们华人往往因为不想踏出第一步，就用了“含蓄”这两个字来当借口。有些人就比较大胆一点，健谈一点，不拘小节地踏出第一步。这些人呢，有时又会令人反感，讨厌。你说，这是不是非常的好笑.......

在KTT的日子也不多了，有时候心里是非常的开心，是时候离开这个鬼地方了；有时候却为了这事而感到不舍，伤感，这里点点滴滴的回忆，所曾经认识的朋友，是多么的难得。两个月，就这两个月，要不要剩下来的时间就那么多。日后就算想回来，都不知道有没有机会。看着时间乘着我们不注意的时候溜走，心里面是多么地不甘.......不过，时间不过又不行，唉.......

累了，但真的不能让自己停下来。你停下来，地球不会因为你而停止旋转的，表上的时间还是一样，一秒一秒的走。就算停下来打一打部落格，自己也不知道到底是否在浪费时间。

多一事不如少一事，会给自己带来烦恼的事儿，就暂且别去理会。放在一旁，时间将会把一切都淡化，把有事化为无事。现在，重要的是搞好课业，大火都快要烧到眉毛了，真的是不能够不紧张。当人人都看好你的时候，自己又不是很有把握时，“压力”就是特别的大了。

我不能够活在别人的期望中，只要对得起自己，一切就应该Okay了......

现在，我真的很需要祢所赐的力量......

Labels: complication

» Define The Relationship

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

~ 12:25 PM ~

首先，我想说的是生日快乐，我的马来西亚。也借此机会对Jude说声 Happy Birthday (: ....

没想到转眼间，马来西亚独立了五十四年。相信她绝对经历了不少风风雨雨，慢慢地从一个落后的地方，一天一天不停地向前迈进。我真的感到很清醒，能出生在一个那么美好的地方。人人都在埋怨这个，埋怨那个......信我一句话，世上没有地方是完美的..... 就连新加坡，那边的人民也不停地埋怨当地的政府。知足常乐吧，我深信这句话.....

我爱我的国家，有国才有家，有家才有我。嘻嘻....

昨天，特地跑到了槟城参观 LOGOS HOPE。说真的，自己真的非常三八，一个小小的游艇，我还真的以为很大了.......没机会看看外面的世界吧。老实说，地方是有点拥挤，人撞人咯。不过，书价是蛮便宜的，我不想错过良机，买了约四百令吉值得书本。第一次为了课外读物花那么多的钱。但是，我真的真的希望能读完这些书，好让我对人生，对信仰有更深入的了解。加油吧，劲征...... 我知道你绝对不想半途而废 (:

最近，想了想，本身对某些事物的看法有了一定的改变。不懂是好事，还是坏事。有时候自己是非常的矛盾，所以就问了自己一系列的问题，来“Define The Relationship”。我相信我曾经问过“朋友”到底是什么，“知己”又是什么。

说真的，这些定义都是见人见智的。每一个人对同样的事物又不一样的观点，不一样的开放度。就在这时候，争执就会发生。对，我们常说，能的话多去包容别人，互相忍让，互相接受彼此的缺点与优点。但如果长期约束自我，时常都摆着一个不是我的“自己”，去与别人相处，你们不会觉得可笑吗？不会觉得没有意义吗？

凡事都要划清界线，这样事情才不会搞到模模糊糊。人与人之间也一样，要搞清楚两人之间的关系。假如只是朋友，当然不要靠得太近，免得表错情，然对方有着一个错觉。这话千真万确吗？但事物有那么绝对的吗？我当然明白DTR的重要性，搞清楚，划清界限。嗯，当然有了界线，距离也当然会慢慢的出现。两个人之间，最害怕存在的是距离，但如果不把界线搞清楚，又担心走错步，担心被人闲话。人是万物之灵，但很多事情就是非常非常的矛盾。应该讲是聪明反被聪明误，哈哈....

我当然也不例外，很多时候都搞不清状况。当局者迷，旁观者清...... 那些提醒、指点，甚至责骂我的旁观者，我在此谢谢你们。很多时候，当我们以为一切都 OKAY 的时候，事情往往是那么的 NOT OKAY，那么的棘手.....

算了，能力有限的我只好行一步，看一步。

现在，还在飘浮着........

Labels: complication, philosophy

» 家和万事兴

Sunday, August 28, 2011

~ 9:13 AM ~

其实，回到了家乡的感觉真的是十分的不一样。虽然只是个小小的一个镇子，可是却有着许许多多难忘的童年回忆。自幼就有这想要离开，想要向外发展的愿望；现在实现了，但人类就是那么的矛盾。无时无刻都会挂念着这儿，有着“独在异乡为异客，每逢佳节倍思亲”的感觉。昨晚，躺在家里的床上时，不知不觉入眠了。原来在家里是那么的舒服..... 以前真的是不懂得惜福，也不懂得珍惜。真的很感谢上帝，赐予我一个那么温暖的家。 (:

仔细地看一看爸妈、阿嬷，他们的确老了。不懂为何心中顿时觉得生命是短暂的，令人无法预料下一刻所会发生的事情。说真的，他们看到我回来，心中是十分的开心。天下父母心都是一样的，有哪一个父母会不疼爱自己的孩子呢？相反的，世上有多少孩子是会感谢父母的养育之恩？说到尽孝，老实说自己是真的没做好身为孩子的本分。我不只是在这里忏悔，当然也想为他们做至少一点点东西。记得上个星期探望了 Grace Home，真的替那一些老婆婆感到心酸。然而，她们有些还很荣幸地说，“我孩子很厉害读书的，一个还当了博士，另一个是律师。”

很多时候，父母养我们、教育我们、照顾我们、爱我们，都没要求什么回报。但他们也是人，不是铁打的，跟我们一样有感情，也需要我们的爱与关怀，孩子们却往往不能了解这一点。人生有了种种成就，稳定的事业与经济基础，美满的家庭；可悲的是自己的爸爸，妈妈却是被遗弃在养老院，孤孤单单地度过人生最后一段路。别人的父母，我真的帮不了多少，但我肯定的是自己的父母绝多不可沦落到如此下场。我深信尽孝要尽早，真的不想等到“树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不待”。

在我离开家里这两个月里，家里真的发生了很多事情。愉快，不愉快的都有。有时候回到来，每一个人看起来都很开心似的，但我就是知道他们不想我回到家为了这些事而不开心。但我也是家里的一分子，也有权知道家里发生的事情。唉.....

从不愁吃，不愁穿，但还是有事情去吵，去闹。自己有时候又真的是帮不到什么的。好啦，至少与其他人比起来，我家真的是幸福多了，感谢上帝。我真的希望家里大大小小，每一个都能开开心心，不要为了很小的事情而争吵，凡事最要紧是要懂得去让步。忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空。

我只能默默地祈祷......

Labels: complication, home

» 无奈

Monday, August 1, 2011

~ 11:20 AM ~

上个礼拜从巴厘岛回到了学校，我根本就无法停下来歇一口气。
身旁真的是发生了许许多多的事情，
根本没机会去理会所错过的课堂，学业...
很庆幸，这次去巴厘岛没有白费，学弟们虽说没有表现特出的，获得几面奖牌，我想已是足够了。

然而，这不是我最近令我心烦的，
短短几天，几天没上网，家乡发生许许多多事情。
事发突然，与我从小玩到大的朋友，又再次入院。
这次，医生也束手无策，被逼使用人人所避忌的方式－洗肾。

身为朋友，身为兄弟的我，望着眼前残酷得事实，
看着你与病魔战斗的时候，那坚强的斗志，那持久的毅力，
实在让我钦佩。
兄弟，我真的无法再对你说任何鼓励你的话语。
你这一条路走了两年，皮肉上的疼痛，精神上的折磨...
我知道身为旁观者的我，是无法了解的。
我只能说得是，我永远都会是你的兄弟。
生命中是充满着希望与奇迹的。

小学是记得，你为了要“抛砖引玉”，我们俩反而打了起来。
当然是我先出手，但最终还是打成一片，所谓不打不相识嘛。
只要自己还没放弃，人生还不会是“Game Over”的，
好想念以前一起玩Cabal的时候，
虽说你很Noob，但我这位兄弟是永远撑着你的。

你曾问我，
“为何这种是不找其他人，偏偏就是找上我？”
其实，我深思了很久，也问了很多很多人，
就只能告诉你，世界是很现实，很不公平的。
然而，在这冷酷得事实当中，人间还是充满着温暖。

最后一张与你一同拍照，

记得千万不要放弃。

～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～

人家常说，生离死别乃是无法避免的，
上个星期，63位学兄学姐们，已乘搭马航飞到了印度。
机场都充满着离别的愁情，
家人，朋友都在场送机。有些很舍不得爸爸妈妈，
有些抱着男女朋友，哭哭啼啼的....
我自己在那里，心想明年这时候，我将会是怎样离开的。

那么多学兄学姐们，令我最不舍的就只有一位－恩维
感谢你一年以来一直陪伴着我，
当人人都说着我的不是，你依然没有放弃我。
你教会了我不要去理会别人的眼光，
只要自己问心无愧就可以了。

在我无助的时候，在我开心的时候，
你往往都会与我分享。
当然与你冷战了一个月后，我发觉了许许多多的事物。
我知道已错怪了你，谢谢你从不计较。

时间过的真的非常快，转瞬间一年就这样溜走了。
很想念与你一起疯癫的日子，
一起学习神的话语，
庆祝对方的生日。

你的每一句话，对我曾经做过的事物，
都深深刻在我心中。回想在一起的美好回忆，
泪水情不自禁留了下来，犹如已爆掉的水管般。

那晚，回到了学校，不知是不是巧合，
大风刮起了，雨也下个不停。整个气氛变得更加的Down

在印度，你要好好的照顾自己，
同时我相信更多的生命，心灵会被你所感动的。
希望这次的离别不会是永远，但愿在世界的那一角落，
我们又会重聚。
然而，当你我之间都隔着印度洋的时候，你要珍重。
同时我也会继续的努力，
学业，心灵上，都会不断努力，奋斗的。
还很想感谢你老远拨了那一通电话给我 (:
God Bless...

～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～

前两天，考完IELTS后，我拖着疲劳生病着的自己，
与学弟学妹们前往星光大道。
这是我第 n 次来到了这里，没什么新鲜感了，
就只想逛一逛，看一看，感受一下城市的气氛。
但就在那一天，我从一位学弟身上了解了不少事物。
看起来很开心的人，心里面所面对的的种种忧虑，
可能多的很。
家里，学业上，朋友方面，
所面对的压力，问题，
看表面的外人是无法去感受的。

身为万物之灵的我们，
思维方面当然比其他动物发达，
但智慧呢？

很多时候，我们都不懂得去感恩。
一眼望去，身边的朋友，有不少是单亲家庭，
有些面对着经济上的问题，
还有的百病缠身。

我们这一些有手有脚的，
不用为了三餐而烦恼的，
双亲健健康康活着的，
还在那里怨天尤人。

面对着一点点功课上的压力，
就埋怨，责怪老师。
钱一不够用，就马上向父母伸手要，
就好像把父母当成不用密码的提款机。
有时候连谢谢一声都不会说，
读了那么多年的书，
讲起来好像比猪还要笨，还要蠢。
有得吃反而在那里挑，
被人训了还自以为是。

到底，多少人懂得“惜福”这词的定义？

～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～

昨夜，是我另一个好朋友的生日，
悲喜交集吧，一个在家乡我却无法陪伴着他，还在这里庆祝生日。
她也是我大约十个月前，
刚刚认识的，可能两人都在CF被选为委员，
有这缘分做朋友。
说真的这是我第一次与异性同学做好朋友。
当然，这一段友谊所面对的问题，
都是我没预料到的。
别人异样的眼光，所散播的谣言，绯闻，
我们真的经历过，也学会了怎样去面对。

感谢你一直把我当成好友一样看待，
一直鼓励，一直支持这我。

再次，祝你生日快乐，爱嬛。

Labels: complication, friends

» 迷失

Thursday, June 23, 2011

~ 9:49 AM ~

渴望回到学校，但回到了这儿，
却不懂为何那么的想回来。

这学期应该不会很轻松，
昨日，生物老师，不懂干嘛心血来潮，
提议了什么Student-centred的教学方式。
数学老师，也丢给了我们
一大堆的功课，十分的“闲”。

偶尔，真的感觉到十分的空虚，
除了读书，还是读书，
感觉上好像没什么意义的。
没办法啦，学生嘛，任务就只有读书。
很多人，渴望有书读，
我们这些，得到了奖学金，还在那儿
哭爹喊娘的。。。真不懂我们在想什么。

昨夜，CF之前，Ivonne 搞了Pray & Fast
的这个东东。。。
短短的半小时，却让我回想了我生命中
不同的画面，
不知为何，我就是觉得，
自己好像很多方面都比不上人家，
虽然，别人时常都羡慕，
我在课业上的成就。
然而，我却不把这当成是什么丰功伟绩的。
望远一点，聪明的人多的很，
想深一点，自己真的是如此的渺小。

学校里，说到读书，哪个不知JianMeng是排第一的？
说到领导能力，有多少个 MPPs 要兼顾学业与MPP的任务？
人品优秀的，随便找，都一定能找到。

不是不知足，但我真的感觉到
外来的压力，
一点一滴，慢慢的累积，
心里真的不好受。

那就是为何，人人都说我，
一整天都在那儿，愁眉苦脸。
有时候真的找不到原因去笑，
微笑，狂笑，你们都去了哪儿？

这地方，这学院，让我学习了不少东西。
人也比较容易知足，对生活上的要求不多了，
只要珍惜当下，珍惜与家人的时间，孝敬父母；
珍惜与朋友的时间，知己难寻，
我们也不知，谁会先离谁而去。。。

这不是悲观，也不是杞人忧天；
这是世事，也是残酷的事实。。。

没有东西是理所当然的，
有了生命，那就是福气，
生命中其他的，比如
亲情，友情，关怀。。。
也就是大福了。
世上，很多人都没有了双亲，
终日为三餐而烦恼；
有的又百病缠身；
有的有困在战争中。

反问以下自己，我们都面对着这些吗？
仔细想一下，自己的要求是否多了一些？

戒食了几天，感觉的确不好受，
有时还会头晕晕的。
非洲那里，挨饿几个星期的小孩，多得很。
然而，我们生在福中不知福；
吃东西东挑西选，有时还吃不完，把食物扔掉。

我只想说的是，
”一个人的快乐，不是因为他拥有的多，而是因为他计较的少。“

无时无刻，我都会为未来而烦恼，
担心未来到底会是怎样的；
有时还会，回头望一望过去，
后悔曾经做过的错事。

这新的学期，时间是绝对不足够的，
下个星期，学弟学妹们就会前来报到，
他们一定会吓到得，
“那么简陋的学院”
“那么咖纳塞的地方”
议论纷纷。。。

希望你们在这里会成长，
会惜福，会恍然大悟，原来家里是多么的好。
会感恩。。。

我本身，也会搞好自己，
不会心动而不行动的。。。
四个月，说长不长，说短不短。。。
A2, 我来了！
未来，我也来了！

所以，不要为明天忧虑，因为明天自有明天的忧虑；一天的难处一天当就够了。
～马太福音 6 ：34～

P/S: 兄弟，你也加油吧，年尾再聚了（：

Labels: Christianity, complication, philosophy

» 度日如年

Thursday, June 16, 2011

~ 11:27 AM ~

不知为何，这一次的假期显得十分的漫长。。。
前几天，看着日历，假期还剩下五六天；
昨天，只剩四天；
今天，剩下的是仅仅的三天。。。
看一看面子书，同学们都在抱怨

“假期怎么那么短暂？”

“时间怎么那么的快？”

身躯回到家里，灵魂又不知道去了哪里。。。
有时候，感觉自己很像个行尸走肉。。。

在友谊这事上，我的确交到了不少的真心朋友。
感谢你们，分享我生命中，“苦” 与 “乐”。

但，我真的从没面对像现在那么复杂，
那么令我头疼，的这段友谊。。。
“男女之间，可否存在着单纯的朋友关系？”
这问题，时时刻刻都会环绕在我脑海中。。。
每个人，对这事，都有着不一样的看法与见解。
问了问，别人的看法，还是改变不了自己心中的想法。

我不想欺骗自己，无可否认，
两个人相处的时间久了，难免会有不寻常的想法。
但这想法，是可以去克制，可以去纠正的。
只要自己时不时，警惕自己，问一下自己到底在干嘛。
自己到底有没有超越了界限？
现在的还纯粹是友谊吗？

自从上一次的事情，我领悟到，
我们是无法改变他人对自己的看法，
更阻止不了谣言的散播。

虽说“无风不起浪”，但别人怎样品评我们，
我们应当去反省，去检讨自己；
而不是把事情看得太重，一直想不开，
一直耿耿于怀。
这样，只会把自己搞到人不像人，鬼不像鬼。

你曾问我，我们何尝不是把事情讲清楚了。
对, 是曾经谈过。。
但, 事情终究还没谈好。。。

这几天, 我不停的在想, 也对自己的所做所为检讨了一番。

我是否对你要求了太多?

是否给你了许许多多的错觉?

是否给你施压了不少的压力？

你是不是喘不过气来？

对你而言，我是否以变成了你的累赘?

我们俩都知道，时间就只剩那么一点点。。
我不敢对你要求任何东西，
也不值得你在我身上浪费时间。

深深伤害了你，我也明白，
我说什么都没有用，
只希望时间能够淡化一切。

就算我多么的在乎你，多么的想维持这段友谊；
但如果日后会发生更多的问题，
更多的争执。。
我只能够说，这一段友谊是枉然的。
没必要去感到可惜，也没必要挽留对方。

感谢你，一直以来都没去品评我，
接受像我这样的人，做为你的朋友
以真心对待。。。

日后的事，都由不得我们俩决定，
走一步，算一步吧。。

Labels: complication

» Weariness...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

~ 12:30 PM ~

Time is fast, I just finished my Physics paper 2 three days ago... And I've been tired, and worried about things that's gonna happen... It's been awhile since I last had these feelings...

Fortunately, I know who to rely on during moment like this... And He'll never fail to put that smile back on my face, as promised...

Fear not, I am with you, I will strengthen you, I will help you and uphold you.

Isaiah 41 : 10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning, Jude shared about Anxiety, Worries ... And I'm very sure it's no coincidence that it fitted perfectly with my current situation... Life is never a bed of roses, and being a Christian doesn't make your lives easier... He never promised a comfortable life, but a life filled with persecution, condemnation, sufferings, as no servant is greater than his master, and if Jesus was persecuted 2000 years ago, so will we...

Problems and difficulties are never ending, but what's the point of worrying about the future... Can anyone of us add an hour to our lives by just worrying??? I seriously doubt that anyone could even add a second to their lives by worrying... I guess we're just "people of little faith", that doubted God's ability and faithfulness towards us... Many of us rather rely on our own strength, own wisdom, own power to run the race of Life.... and guess what, these people are gonna end up nowhere and start to worry...

Our earthly parents have provided us with everything we ever needed, all the way from basic necessities like Love, Care to things like iPhone 4G, and some lucky kid even got a Toyota as a birthday present... If our earthly parents loved us and provided us with all these, what more can our heavenly Daddy, that we cry out to everytime, provide us with???

When I was young, getting "Stars" from teachers in school was such an achievement... But as time passes by, "Stars" can no longer fulfill my worldly desire... It was then replaced by Sweets, (I guess every kids love them)... But as this desire within me grows with time, I realized that even a JPA scholarship for a 6 years Medicine course couldn't make me any happier....

Shouldn't we cast all our worries onto Him, and trust in Him that He'll take care of them?? Shouldn't we be faithful enough to trust that He'll always provide us with the best?? I guess it's pretty obvious that all of us should do so, right??

It's time for us to reflect upon ourselves... Do you really think you're SOMEBODY, who are worthy of everything you desire ??? Or are you a worthless speck of matter in the this universe, but still precious in God's eyes?? I always had this mindset that I'm better, better than any other JPA scholars, and of course deserve better treatment... But I know it's never right to doubt His plan for me...

"He who is of a proud heart stirs up strife, But he who trusts in the Lord will be prospered. He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But whoever walks wisely will be delivered"

Proverbs 28 : 25 - 26

"Heavenly Father, I trust in you, and I'll commit myself, everything I am, and all my plans, whole-heartedly into your hands... I pray that You'll strengthen me, and draw me closer to you... So that I may grow to be like You..."

When we were young, we believe that God is almighty, and nothing is impossible in Him...and we literally meant what we talked about and sang in Sunday School...
But as we grow older, this childlike faith faded over time...

Can we be like these kids??? Always happy and grateful with the sweets our Heavenly Daddy provided us with...

If we are faithless, he remains faithful...

2 Timothy 2 : 13

See, God is always that comforting ... =)

Labels: Christianity, complication, philosophy

» It Sucks

Friday, April 1, 2011

~ 1:07 AM ~

I can't login my facebook today, some kind of crap just happened to it.... I don't know whether is it permanent or temporary.... Anyway, I'm not happy....

But there is something that made my day.... I finally gave up my ego, and once again accept someone and forget about the past... It did happened, but it was already the past... Thanks Pastor Edwin, for the long sharing last night... I finally "Reincarnate" after being socially dead for the past month... I have my Pre-AS next week, but I guess there's nothing to worry, as long as I'm "Giving My Best".... I won't feel sorry, or regretful if I don't get what I want, or expect...

I was thinking that, I can plan whatever I want, and work hard for it, even till the extent of giving up something I treasure so much... But whether it succeeds or not, it's not up to me to decide after all... It was quite stressful for the past weeks, being stuck with loads of books to study, and syllabus to cover... Sometimes, I just feel like a loser... but in fact, I'm not one.... sigh...

A less productive day today, didn't really spent much time on studies, will make up tomorrow I guess.... And I still have to be in charge of Praise and worship despite the upcoming exams.... Never forget this verse,

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

~Matthew 6 : 33~

And yeah my dad reminds me of that when I told him about it, I guess I should know my role, my part to play being a Christian. I should know how to prioritize stuff, and put God first in anything I do.... I always knew that following Him is to give up everything, and anything.... And I'm trying my best to follow Him, to be a Disciple of Christ, not merely a believer... I'll just commit every part of my life into Your hands, and You'll make wonders and miracles will happen :)

P/S: To my friend, I really do appreciate for today, you've made my day.....

I do mean it =)

Labels: complication, friends, philosophy

» Counting Mushroom....

Saturday, March 12, 2011

~ 2:17 PM ~

Guess what, I'm so bored of the life in KTT... and I'm already counting the mushroom.... My friends in Singapore are having their test, the the lecturers are having their holidays, haha ... Somehow, I just miss the happening lifestyle in Singapore ... My life is just too monotonous over here in Sepang... Studying, sleeping, going online.... what is this ?????

Last night I went google-ing, and there were this highlighted warning regarding an 8.9 magnitude earthquake in Japan... There's nothing to do with Malaysia, nothing to do with me... But, lives are lost, people from the other side of the world are struggling for survival... Grateful that, I'm here, free from any natural disasters. And I really do hope that God will be with these people during this critical period in their lives...

Yesterday, during CF, we watched the movie " Fireproof ", there was this quote saying that "Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it." This is my second time watching it, and yet it still touched me in a different way... New things are revealed to me, a better way to handle life, or should I say giving it up and let Him handle it... A better understanding of love, unconditional sacrificing for your love one... The very simple way of getting along with others ...

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to
speak and slow to become angry ~ James 1 : 19

Just wanna commit, my family, friends, and the victims of Japan earthquake into His hand. As well as my personal life, studies and relationship...

Labels: CF, complication, friends, movie

» Does it really matter?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

~ 5:36 PM ~

I've spending the last few hours, mugging for the upcoming Pre-AS... Got some part of the Organic Chemistry sort out nicely.... But something just keep on bugging me, and I ended up wasting my time going online, and doing some other stupid stuff....

Just want you to be here, I need to get things settled before anything... and get back to study, yeah, that's what JPA scholars do all the time, study, study and study... FesNi is over, and of course, I didn't take part... FesKot is starting next week, and yeah, I don't think I'm gonna take part as well....

I hated this feeling, a lot... Just don't mention about it ever again, give me a peaceful life over here at KTT... I just wanna study, and of course do the best I can, and get outta here, as soon as possible.... Don't make my life here complicated, or miserable... I prefer a dull and plain one, thank you....

Just wanna focus, focus and score for this Pre-AS... I don't wanna care about anything else...Nothing but studies and examination... Just wanna be a nerd like EVERYONE else.... A nerd without Life... There's a part of me who wanted to shout out, or do something that can make me feel better...

And if someone ask me, " Are you okay?", I'm definitely NOT... and yet I'll say, "I'm" because there's nothing you can do about me being not okay, after all... I guess being ignorant is the best step I can take for now...

Labels: complication

» What if.....

Monday, February 21, 2011

~ 9:32 PM ~

Just this morning, I realise something... Something very sudden, something very frightening, something you never even thought about... What if, someone you love, someone you cherish so much, someone you can't afford to lose, suddenly bids an eternal farewell to you... This thought seriously never came into my mind, not until this morning, when I woke up due to an unusual weird dream, where I lost somebody so important to me... He just managed to say goodbye, through a phone call, before he took his last breath... I was crying in that dream, crying and seeking for something, something that can soothe me, calm me... What if, you received a phone call, telling you that, your dad, or your mum suddenly just leave this world... I never knew what would happen to me, I guess I'll just be like a person who lost all the reasons the live in this world...

Many of my friends lost their parents, their friends, their love ones... and I dunno how they really felt, but things had already happen, there's nothing you can do to bring them back, there's no point crying over what had just happened... All of them, no most, but all of them, have to stand up, forget about grieving, crying, all those tears and pain, and move forward... Whenever you asked them how you felt about it, a typical answer would be, " Like this lo, what can I do".... Although I myself witness so many deaths, so many people leaving this world, I'm still not prepared to accept the news about the deaths of my love ones....

Sigh, just got a news that my friend, Firelynx, was still admitted in the hospital... And I'm here, knowing nothing about what's happening over there... Worries consumed me, awful thoughts filled my brain... I really don't know what'll happen next... The world isn't fair...

How will our life be, without them... Miserable?? Meaningless?? It's not easy to admit especially if they are our parents, our siblings, but all of these are only worldly possession, which are so, so, so temporary... It'll be gone just like that... It's not easy to give up all of these to Him, He who manipulates everything in His hand... What will you answer if God ask you, "Can I have your daddy in heaven with me now ?" I really don't know... I seriously don't know...

Have you ever thought about, what if tomorrow you can no longer wake up, you can no longer breathe, and open your eyes... Where will you be when that time comes... Are you lost ? Or are you certain of where you're heading ?? Some of us are not worry about this... as we know who we are, because of Him... But, how about our love ones?? Do they have salvation like you do??? Jesus Christ, gave up Himself for us, so that He who knew no sin, will have to die for we sinners on the cross ; and by that we will receive salvation and live forever more...

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

~Galatians 2:20

Now, will you reach for Him, if He reach for you???

Labels: Christianity, complication, philosophy

» Feel Bad...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

~ 12:27 AM ~

Mid-sem was a week ago, and now I am in my hometown..... Things went well for mid-sem, though I guess I didn't study very hard.... Today is the 3rd day or Lunar or Chinese New Year.... This feeling sucks.... And this post was delayed for almost a whole freaking week.... Chinese New Year isn't that fun anymore, to me at least.... I don't really care the number of angpau, don't really care about the gathering with friends or ex-schoolmates... All I want is just a short reunion with my family, and of course some peace, some quiet time....

So many things happened so suddenly, and I don't even have the time to even catch up with them.... Sometimes, I don't even have the atmosphere for me to sound out, to type a few lines, just to express myself to some of my friends.... Just a few weeks ago, the results for A-Level is announced, of course, there are people who were happy and felt like "Owning", there are like uncountable Status on Facebook, telling to everyone, that they had passed the exam, or even better, scoring the exam with 4 A* .... While some others couldn't make it through....Things are so realistic, you can't pass, you can't fly...That's wat JPA said to we scholars, it's very similar to ASEAN as well, you can't pass the rank point, you go back home....Sigh.... My seniors looks pretty tough on the outer appearances, but I do know that they are hiding some of their feelings... Good thing is that JPA don't terminate our scholarship like ASEAN do, they offer an alternative instead....All the best seniors... And congratulation to those who passed =)

Few days after that, I just got news from my Singaporean ex-classmate that some of my ex-classmate couldn't make it through J1 promos, which means they are "Retained", and this also means that they wasted 3 years, just to complete an A-level.... Similarly, I felt the same for them, they are so depressed, and yet forcing the smile on their faces.... I don't know what FML is, but I guess it's nothing good, and my friends are reading it daily, just to make them feel that their life is better than others.... A class of 19 students, now left with only 12 only, it's sad, even to people who already left, like me.....Some of them drop one of their subjects, and yeah, they are forced to change class as well..... I dunno, just felt like meeting all of them once again, before I leave for India...or somewhere else...... >.<

Chinese New Year,初三, 3rd day la.....It was a dull day, a dull chinese new year, no visiting friends, no collecting angpau, just staring at my lappy, and monitor at market of Cabal, so lifeless.... First day and second day isn't that interesting anyway, just that I realise the meaning of true JOY this new year, and that's the greatest angpau I ever get from anyone else....That's because I decided to go for New Year Service in Patani Baptist Church, and that made my whole new year thingy a meaningful one...Joy is everlasting, unlike Happiness which comes and goes...and I do think that Joy doubles, or maybe multiplies several times, if we ever share them with others... Sometimes, I don't feel happy, like now, but Joy still remains in me...

I had MAGGIE MEE for dinner, but I don't really mind, what I dislike was those unnecessary shouting, yelling and quarrelling at home, especially during Chinese New Year, when fun and joy are meant to fill the atmosphere.... Just some minor miscommunication spoil everyone mood to even go out for a freaking dinner... Instant noodle taste better, if everyone is happy .... Stupid......

Just got to chat with my buddy in Spore, Steven @ ZiKuang, glad that he enjoyed his life over there... And he managed to be one of the top in the cohort....Proud to be your roommate and classmate..... Happy new year =)

One last thing, I messages both of you, one didn't reply, and one reply with a smile......I just hope that it happen in another way... Anyway, things had passed and I can only shape my future, not past =D

~~~~~~~~~Happy Lunar New Year 2011 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Labels: complication, event, family, friends, home

» It's time to do something about it

Thursday, January 6, 2011

~ 9:32 PM ~

Something has been bothering me for quite some time, something that I can't talk to anyone about.... That's why sometime I choose to keep quiet, I prefer to be alone, doing nothing, thinking about nothing.... I guess this weird feeling occur because of a person.... It's kind of stupid, argh..... I've been wasting my time thinking about this person. In fact, I don't really know what I'm doing..... It never happen to me, felling for someone whom I know I shouldn't, I've promised Edwin not to get involved in any unnecessary relationship, not until I finish my A-level or my freaking Medicine degree..... Crap, I'm not Edwin, come on, I don't even think I can last for this year...... STUPID.......IDIOT........ Just leave this crap aside >.<

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pastor Dave came to our CF last night, and talked to us about setting New Year Resolution for ourselves... I myself never take up any new year resolution for the past 18 years, ever since I was born.....I dunno why but his encouragement and motivation seems to persuade and move me to take up a FEW new year resolution in this very year 2011.......

~ First, to be closer to GOD, to put Him first in everything...... I've been neglecting Him for so long and yet He never leave me nor forsake me
~ To STUDY real hard, or at least harder than before and score four A* in the upcoming AS as well as A2, if possible get "Top In The World" for Math =)
~ To know every one in KTT before I graduate from here, to at least know their name and spoke to them
~ To seriously get rid of addiction, which has been stuck to me for two long years.....
~ To be able to treasure every moment I have with my FAMILY..... Dad and Mum are getting older >.< and I will be leaving Malaysia next year.... I can't imagine what will it be like......
~To be able to interact and communicate POLITELY ( not in a rude or mean manner ) with people around me, so that they won't think that I'm so MEAN..........
~ Treasure my friends around me, 1.5 years in KTT is way too short for us to even waste one second.....
~ Serve in Church, now I'm able to serve in CF, and I MUST serve in Nilai Baptist or Patani Baptist.....
~ To come down to CamRev every single morning..... I made a Declaration last year, saying that I'll not miss CamRev for even 1 Day..... I must fulfill it .......
~ To think thoroughly before acting, I don't want to repeat my STUPID mistake last year, I've learnt my lesson, and I've paid a high price.......>.<
~ To slim down 10kilo....since I slimmed 20kilos in 2010, by God's grace =)
~ To show love to people around me, to be THICK-SKINNED..... to approach people I dunno and spread God's love .......
~ Finally, to be a more Christ-like person, to be able to understand HUMILITY, HUMANITY and OBEDIENCE.....

That's all for my new year resolution, I don't know whether can I achieved all of them in year 2011.....But I know who should I cling to, and seek in times of need.....This mere Declaration of New year resolution won't make it a reality, I'll have to bring all of these before my almighty Father.....For I know in Him, I can find confidence and success..... He'll lead me away from darkness into the truth and light, He'll guide me away from sin and temptation......

Every year will be the Greatest year of your life until then, because you will never know what will happen in the following year.....It's my choice to make it the best or the worst...... 2010 is the turning point of my life, God had seek and saved the lost.....He never lose hope in me, never lose faith in me........ And I know that my life will be an Amazing life when I put Him in the picture.........

I don't know what 2011 holds, but I know Who holds 2011, and I'm sure I will choose to hold on to Him who hold this very 2011......I can achieve anything not because I'm anyone or anything, it's solely because He is the Alpha and Omega, He is Everything.........

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self,

which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds;

and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesian 4 : 22 - 24

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Today is my best friend's birthday..........I nearly forget it...... Very sorry.....Yikuan @ Firelynx.......Anyway, thanks for being my friend for all these years.......God bless you in the new year, all the best in your future endeavour........ =)

Labels: CF, Christianity, complication, friends, philosophy

» I am SICK ..........

Sunday, December 26, 2010

~ 4:12 PM ~

I am having a serious stomachache now........ Just hope that it will be gone real soon....... Argh......
At the same time, I am having mixed feeling these recent days........ Dunno what it means, very confused......
Anyway, Mid-sem is in ONE month time, gotta get ready for it, no more slacking around....Promise me, edtinton >.< You've done well, but not good enough....

I am going back to KTT tomorrow, as usual, miss both places - KTT and home...

Labels: complication

» Purity...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

~ 1:40 AM ~

Talking about purity, this reminds me of the card that I found in Esther's purse, and it stated there that,"I will not have premarital sex" or something like that....and also this verse from the Bible:

You shall not commit adultery.

~ Exodus 20:14

This verse is pretty much known as the 7th commandment that God have given us through Moses... And to further prove how much God emphasize on this commandment, verses from Leviticus 20:10,Proverbs 6:32 etc... I myself knew very well that temptations are all around us, including me, and sometimes, I felt so weak that I nearly I nearly succumb to it.... I'm very glad that people like Edwin Loh, sort of like my mentor, he show me what a real Christian should be, the true meaning of perseverance and moral purity.... I've done wrong, I've fell, I've failed...Never feel like a good candidate to do God's work...Up till now, I can't really live a 100% morally pure life, that God desire and I desire....

Really felt like a moron, when I gave up myself, my principles, my so-called bible verses, and all those empty promises that I've made....This stupid thing have been haunting me, though I am quite happy with who am I, right now..... Really need someone to talk to, someone to pour out to..... Where are you, SOMEONE..... I haven't lose my faith, cause I know that He will be right beside me all the time.... TRUST shouldn't be betrayed, it's something very sacred, very fragile... It's not easy to gain one's trust, and if you lose it, it's even harder to regain it....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was on a Charity trip to "House of Joy" in Puchong, Taman Kinrara on the19 Dec, where we helped Orphans, Mentally disabled peoples, old folks to raise fund... I skipped church that week though...Things weren't very well, when we lost our way there.... Thanks to Garmin...

These kids were happy when the event was going on, but I really can see the true joy overflowing from every single one of them.... Same goes to us that gave our best to bring not only monetary blessing but also God's love and care, to the people.... I was so happy when I finally approach an adult, he suffered from certain mental disease, which makes him a bit slower than usual people....he said to me " Lu Kar Wua Yi La" in Hokkien, which means "you teach me how to play la".... I was nervous, but the feeling of satisfaction and gratefulness just came out from nowhere when I looked at him enjoying the game.... Forget to mention, this trip was organized by KTT Buddhist Society, and we were in-charging of games...

This whole trip was indeed a success, everyone were exhausted and seriously tired, but no one complain.... Indeed, it was a meaningful trip where we, who are blessed, can bless others in order to show God's love...

This is the first and greatest commandment.

And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself"

Matthew 22:38-39

The trip continues with an evening in Sunway Pyramid, which turned out to be less meaningful, less interesting, as compared to the charity work... What I did was hunting a gift for my friend whose birthday have already past, which was on the 13 Dec, and had dinner with my buddies in Sakae Sushi which did a large hole to my wallet.....what an ouch....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight's rehearsal went well, glad that my friends are joining the Christmas celebration, even though I will not be around that day.....and also happy to have watched both the choir and skit, love the Praise and Worship by Riss..... Anyway , I gotta go.... it's 1.40am........ Hope you enjoy ur earphones..... =)

Labels: CF, complication, friends, philosophy, school

» Stressed Out

Sunday, November 14, 2010

~ 10:42 PM ~

You know what, I started with a good start today.... Attending Nilai Baptist Church... Came back, had lunch at Inti, then bought stuff from Giant... And when time comes for me to cook dinner, something went very wrong and I don't know what and why....

But, I guess it's because one of my housemate was in bad mood due to examination and sleep deprivation... Looking at his face made me feel worst... Thinking of getting some peace during meeting just now, but things just don't turn out well... I'm just too tired??? I dunno, just that people just kept talking, and talking, and talking.... And those frequencies made my own frequency go haywire.... I just don't know what is going on... I guess I'm so stupid to have brought my laptop there, I guess.... But, I just want things to get easier than before....

Yeah, I'm good at complaining, I can't do nothing besides that... I can't even act out a 30 seconds video well, things turn out terribly... Jealousy filled my head, when I look at other videos??? I dunno, Ben has been doing all the jobs, and I'm just watching, but I still get the stupid credit... This feeling is awful.... And this question reappears in my mind, why me??? Why am I here??? Why am I the P&W leader??? People are studying, mugging, and look at me, wasting time in a Classroom doing nothing....

I just hated when people emo and cry, I don't hate them... Just that the scene will bring my emotion down, and ruin my day... And it is happening now.... I can't go to bed as Notes, and Textbook are still waiting for me.... Exams are approaching very soon, and I guess my 4 A is moving further away from me.... When I think about this, I can't forget how easy was my life in Secondary school, so carefree... I don't have to care about my reputation... C'mon, exam results beat everythings...

I just miss the old life which was full of negative influences, and bad habits... Being a better person, doesn't mean having a better life, I guess......I just can't be sure of things...everything is "I guess".... I need to get right back to mug, sorry friends.....

Labels: complication, school

» Conflict....

Friday, November 5, 2010

~ 12:43 AM ~

I dunno why, atmosphere are so down at home.... Everyone is so moody and unhappy..... Dad and Mum are not talking to each other....I'm the one stucked in the middle.... They said things are normal, when things are not.... I dunno wat to say, and I dunno where to start....

God, please help me......I know that whenever I knock a door, it will be opened for me

"Kuketuk PintuMu dan Kau Bukakan.............."

Labels: complication, home